Resolution and Dissolution

Whew! It’s dusty in here. If anyone bothers to read these anymore, I apologize for leaving you hanging for so long. I simply never made the time to sort out and set down the various insights I’ve had over the past several months.

Let’s make that my first New Year’s Resolution: make more time for blogging.

That’s part of what this post is about: things I intend to do better about. 2014 is going to be a year of changes and preparations for me. For starters, I currently live and work as a wage slave somewhere on the mid-Atlantic seaboard, and that simply will not suffice. As the day on which the Gilded Jenga Tower of Western Civilization tumbles and scatters devastation across the world draws ever nearer, I feel a need to be better equipped to live in a post-collapse empire. I feel compelled to become a Maker of Things, a crafter, but of what…I have no idea.

I spent nearly sixteen years in school of some sort, somewhere, preparing for “what I would do with my life,” and now that I have a reasonably tolerable job with employment security and decent fringe benefits, I’m getting ‘Cold Pricklies!’ because I feel myself falling into a rut that could conceivably consume the rest of my useful life. Don’t get me wrong: I still have some plans for what I can do other than this, but it will take time to lay the groundwork and I begin to wonder if it will be worth it to actually embark on those alternate ventures after the time invested here while preparing to leave.

I guess what it boils down to is: should I leave now, with nothing invested and nothing prepared, or should I prepare to leave knowing my time invested here will be lost? Truth be told, I don’t think I have the resourcefulness or the courage to slip my moorings now with neither compass nor cargo. And so I have decided to take the near future to prepare.

This is the year that I put money away in savings for a rainy day. This is the year that I take up a study of new skills and knowledge. This is the year that I end my pretense at adhering to a Church in which I no longer believe. This is the year that I strive to maximize the health of my body and my spirit. This is the year I decrease my dependence on the manufactured, post-industrial world. This is the year that I will purge myself of shame and fear, and the year I will master my rage.

Be these resolved! And I shall put my whole Self into their completion forthwith. I will start with this: Some of you know me by my given name. When others ask who I am, tell them. And tell them I am no longer a practicing Catholic. I have not ceased to have faith in God, only those who claim to speak in his name. Too many people have preached love and practiced hate before my eyes. Too many people have said “Let all…come to me,” and turned away the modern-day counterparts to the tax-collectors and sinners with whom their Savior ate and consorted. The Church that proclaims “Not of this world, but of the next,” spends far too much time and capital on petty, interpersonal bickering and the private practices of individuals in whose lives the God that is Love, not the Church that is Dogmatic Stagnation, ought to be the driving influence.

A slew of harsh invective, to be sure. And in the interest of honesty with myself and the world, I must point out that the misconduct outlined above comes from personal experience with a few individuals and by no means represents the attitude of every Catholic. In fact, many have been supportive of, shall we say, my non-canonical views and beliefs. For them, I wish I could stay. For the love between honest, mostly upright people that is Christ’s second commandment, I dearly wish I could remain where and how I am. But I believe there are practices endorsed by the Catholic Church which contradict what remains of the teachings of Christ and for that reason I no longer commune with them.

I realize that this has all been phrased rather vaguely, and I apologize. I will endeavor to sort out some more specifics where I disagree with contemporary practices and explain them in greater detail at a later time. I may also have to give this message in person to some who don’t interact with me much online, and that will be the true test of my conviction in making this separation. I have lived so long with this dogma and the sharp, seemingly ever-shrinking boundaries, putting it behind me gives me pause and will doubtlessly be a strenuous process. If it is your way, please pray for me that I find the strength to pursue my convictions and not to revert to a hollow faith out of fear.

This post didn’t exactly go where I had first thought or planned, but it came forth truthfully, (as best it could in keeping with my anonymity and the privacy of others), and it shall not be un-made. I sign off today with a name that is beyond my given name, or my assumed name, for with it I named myself.

Malleus

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