To The NSA Agents…

… who are no doubt aware that I just watched John Oliver’s interview with Edward Snowden: I don’t doubt I’ve just been put on a watch list for something, so here goes nothing. 

I am a single guy in my mid-twenties living in a small college town on the east coast, but you already know that because you’ve pulled my records and triangulated my Wifi signal. You probably also know that I spend most of my internet time poking people on Facebook, watching old tv shows, and pouring through gratuitous amounts of porn.

That being said: Happy spying! And if there’s any adult film content you’re really itching to see, just send me an email and I’ll be sure to stream something you and your office buddies can fap to; I don’t mind sharing.